Something I’ve learned over the last few years is that Google is always right.
It criticizes the NSA for snooping, when it quite happily crawls all over your e-mails. But it’s right, because it’s for your own good.
It pumps ads at you even when you’re writing e-mails, but it’s right to do so. Because these ads are far better than all the other ads you’ll see on the Web.
And then there’s Google Glass, which Google insists isn’t a creepy, awkward intrusion into public and private life. So Google must be right.
Well, except that those who have so far resisted a Google chip being implanted into their brains still feel that Glass might be for the self-righteous, rather than the normal human being.
Of late, Google seems to have adopted a crouching posture, as the criticisms and humor have rained its way.
First, it issued a Do’s and Don’ts post — in which it asked its Glass Explorers not to behave like Glassholes. Yes, they needed to be told.
Now the company has published a lengthy post on Google+ titled “The Top 10 Google Glass Myths.”
It’s a riotous little read that comes across as a miffed and haughty self-justification, masked as mealy mouthed modesty.
In essence, dear downtrodden Earthling, you’ve got Google Glass all wrong.
Sample 1: You think Glass is on all the time? Of course it isn’t. Its default is off, just like your phone. It only gives you stuff when you need it. “It’s designed to get you a bit of what you need just when you need it and then get you back to the people and things in life you care about.”
And, as you’re doing that, please try to forget that you’re wearing a ridiculous Borgiastic pair of glasses that make the people you care about suspect you need sedation.
Sample 2: Glass Explorers aren’t technology-worshipping geeks. Apparently, they’re normal people like firefighters and, um, reporters who just like to play technology-worshipping geeks when they’re out in public.
Google’s version of this: “The one thing they have in common is that they see the potential for people to use technology in a way that helps them engage more with the world around them, rather than distract them from it.”
It’s hard to write when I’m slapping my forehead very hard, but isn’t the way to engage more with the world around you, to not keep looking up at the right-hand corner of your Borgiastic glasses?
Other areas in which Google would like to disabuse you include: Google Glass is a finished product (no, no); Google Glass does facial recognition (No, no. Well, not yet); Google Glass is the perfect surveillance device. (Gosh, no. There are far better ones. They’re just not made by Google.)
This allegedly myth-busting post ends where you really want it to: in a discussion about whether Glass marks the end of privacy.
Don’t be ridiculous, says Google. There’s simply a trend toward more and more cameras. That’s the way the world is going.
“In ten years there will be even more cameras, with or without Glass. 150+ years of cameras and eight years of YouTube are a good indicator of the kinds of photos and videos people capture — from our favorite cat videos to dramatic, perspective-changing looks at environmental destruction, government crackdowns, and everyday human miracles,” says the post.
Yes, humans are such positive, optimistic, freedom-fighting, cat-loving sorts. They never snoop on anyone. They never Scroogle or Microsnoop. They never pry and spy and plot and envy and loathe.